I'm pretty sure DeviantArt's journals were made with good intentions, though I prefer to keep my own entries in a notebook. My journal.
I'll let you in on a secret, because I honestly don't think anyone will read this anyway. Right now, I am confused. More confused than I have ever been because I am torn between two decisions that are completely unrelated and both will impact my life. At this point, I just finished my first year of college (I've had this account since I was in 8th grade) and this account right here is a portfolio of all those thoughts I've had at age 14 and 15, and 16, and so on. This journal's sole purpose is to add to that portfolio, and sadly I have not submitted anything for two years. But believe me when I say that I have almost an album's worth of songs that I've written stashed away and melodies in my head that I need to write on paper. This summer is going to be long as hell because I have almost four months until I go back to my college. The reason why I'm torn in the first place.
So people have been doubting me (and they rightfully should, I haven't been getting the best grades) and now I'm starting to question myself: something I don't do too often. When I have a goal I want to reach, I will work towards it with no doubt, because I am a driven person. Now that freshmen year is done, and the grades have come back, I can only ask myself one question: Will I be able to go forward with this?
I don't want to let these people get to me because I know better than that. But when you constantly have naysayers (something I didn't think I would have) questioning you on whether or not you will be able to pass certain classes or questioning why I picked my certain major, you will reevaluate your choice. So here I am, reevaluating my choice.
So the first decision is to continue my studies in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering. Ever since I was a little girl, I was fascinated with airplanes and different types of machinery. I wanted to learn how they worked. So I picked those majors in college and I finished freshman year with a 2.2 GPA ~ not what I expected. I thought I would be smarter than this, but I am not. I learn differently than others, because I could learn minuscule tasks so rapidly, but with the calculus based physics and calculus in general, I learn terribly slow. Others at my school learn quick; they catch on to these hard subjects, and I'm the slow one, yet I could learn other things quick. These people are the types to get pissed if they get a C on an exam, while I would be happy with a C because I usually fail them.
I know I'm an intelligent person. I know I am. I can learn, see patterns, and relate things quicker than your average person. But these people like to think that I'm stupid. They are condescending and quick to assume you don't know as much as they do. I've talked to people like this many times, and I am starting to get sick of it.
I come from a poor background. Long story short, I've had a tough life. Got a lump sum of money when family members passed, and now my sister takes care of me and now I'm lower middle class. The people at my school are upper middle class and higher; not many know my struggles; they don't know what it's like to go hungry at the end of the month because the food stamp money runs out, or what it's like to sleep on the streets for a few days because the landlord my mother sued kicked her out of the apartment. It's funny when they try and outsmart me; to them I'm a simple minority female couldn't possibly be as smart as them. But they don't know me. Oh yeah, and side note: the people in the North Country are slightly racist, and ignorant.
Okay, shitty people aside, I have another decision, and it's simple: Drop everything, risk it all, and become a musician. This is something I still dream of doing. Just like I dream of going to space some day in the rocket ship that I built. Both choices cannot be intertwined; I've thought of many ways and it does not work out. So I am stuck in the middle.
But I'll tell you what, when I put my mind to something, I do it. Because I know what it's like to have nothing, and I sure as hell am not going back to that shitty place.